Tuesday, August 23, 2011

HOT ENOUGH FOR YA? FUNNY DIARY OF A NEWCOMER TO TEXAS

With our new record for most consecutive 100+ days in Houston (we made National news), it only seems appropriate to share this sadly funny Diary from a newcomer to Texas. This was sent to me by a friend and I took out some of the more 'colorful' language to make things a bit milder. :-) David

(Not my Garden)
Ahhh, Home Sweet Home!
from a friend in Seattle,Washington about their move to Texas

Dear Diary,

Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. Forgot and walked barefoot on a sidewalk today. The blisters will be OK by tomorrow, I think.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like dead Kibbles and Bits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as h**l. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. The locusts in the trees never shut up.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here? A buzzing locust landed on me in the middle of the night and I peed in my pants.

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.


Aug. 6th: Opened the closet and looked at my sweater and coat. Why? Why? Why did I even bring this stuff? Got Fall Fashion catalog in the mail today with pictures of beautiful sweaters. Threw the catalog out the window. Bought more tank tops in different colors.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise guy cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Dang heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my rear was on fire. My legs accidentally touched the leather and melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and rear end . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a dang recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything but sit by a fan for 2 darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live here.


Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HADES! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the darn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live in this state ?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

Love,

Sunny :-)
























7 comments:

  1. I did enjoy a laugh...I am afraid it was at your expense...

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  2. hahaha - Yes, even us oldtimers are having a hard time - I couldn't imagine someone new to this state trying to tough it out! I've noticed this year how the heat and drought are really starting to get to people psychologically. I guess it's everyone asking "hot enough for you?"!

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  3. I can so sympathize! Just change the heat to extreme cold and plug in North Dakota instead of TX. Maybe Hurricane Irene has a quiet cousin she can send to the gulf to help ease your drought. Have you resorted to sticking silk plants in the ground yet? I had a neighbor once who "gardened" that way.

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  4. Hahaha! So funny! Thanks for sharing.

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I always appreciate your comments & questions! Happy Gardening from David/ Tropical Texana

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